Bleary, dreary day!!! Dark, chilly, wet! Green, gray and, looking out the front window, bright pink from the apple blossoms. It's the kind of day that I used to just LOVE. Not sure I still do. Maybe, but I am feeling really dark, and dreary myself. Might be brought on by the weather, but also may be brought on by the fact that I am unemployed, and have no purpose in life right now. All of my energy can be focused on me and my life, and not on the Navy Exchange. Maybe that is what really scares me. I have spent all of my adult life focusing on my career, and how to advance it, and very little of my time was spent on ME. The only time I really did focus on ME, I lost almost 100 pounds, and looked and felt really good, but the payoff was, it destroyed my family. I left my Husband, my daughter moved in with my Mother and Dad, My son got in trouble, and I lost everything I had. Maybe I am afraid of doing that again. My husband is now dead, my parents are both dead, my son is in jail and my daughter is trying desperatly to find a job in her field so that she can start her own career. I have spent the past 19 years in a relationship with a wonderful man who refuses to acknowledge that we are in a relationship. (go figure) What do I want out of life? Where do I want to be in five years? ten? Twenty? Will I make it another 20?
And just when I am feeling unloved, old, unfullfilled, lost, and unworthy of anyone, I have a big gray tabby cat that jumps up on my desk and sits quietly purring and head butting my left arm, telling me that whatever I look like, whatever I am feeling, He loves me!! unconditionally!! No strings attached!! Maybe the world isnt so bleary after all...
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