It is very difficult to write when everything you want to say is negative. Difficult when you find that writing may make you realize a few things you dont like. even more difficult when there is not a freaking thing you can do about them.
I am stressed....
I am in Pain.....
I am hurt........
I am in pain.....
I am pushed......
I am in pain.....
I am lonely......
I am in Pain.....
I so want a good night's sleep without having to get up and peee 50 times a night, I want a good night's sleep without drugs that may or may not cause me to sleepwalk, sleep eat, or sleep compute. (How would I know? I live alone!)
I went to the Neurological Surgeon and he said that there is nothing he can do to fix me. THat anything he does would only be temporary and could hurt me worse than the fix. That was not what i wanted to hear. I have been through therapy, did not help. I Have had the shots in my spine...did not help. I am on Drugs, but they dont work anymore, and only will lead to more and more drugs at a higher and higher dose. I dont want that. The Pain is causing stress because I can not do what I need to do in my everyday life. I can't paint sets, I can't mow the yard, I cant walk through the grocery store, I cant vaccuum, I cant walk on the beach that I love so much. I have to go up the stairs one step at a time and I hurt. People are pulling away from me because I am no fun to be around. That is just an impression, not a known fact.
Being in pain causes me to be less tolerant than I used to be. My daughter told me I was acting like Ouiser in STEEL MAGNOLIAS. Thank you SO much OBE! Appreciate the support! :(
The only time I am not hurting is when I am sitting, for a short time, or swimming. Now swimming is a blessing...but not the one I was looking for. I was hoping it would strengthen my back so I could walk. Instead it has built up muscles in my gluts and my legs, so that I can swim Longer. Unfortunately my back will never improve from swimming. It feels good in the water though. No gravity, and no pain...however the pain upon exiting the pool is horrendous! Even little kids look at my face and run!
I have a new play starting this next week, and I am stressed about that. Stressed because I have repeatedly asked for help in finding a musical director, and I am getting nowhere! I know I can pull this off and it will be funny, but I cant play music, and so need help.. The Board is not helping one iota in that regard.
I have a cat that is going to have to be put to sleep if he doesnt quit shitting in the garage! He is UBER old, and used to belong to Tim, and he is an independent cuss, but he refuses to use the cat boxes! If I put him out at night, he stands under the window and SCREAMS until I let him in. I spent last weekend cleaning the garage, and I am paying for it this week. And yesterday I went in to scoop, and there right against the garage door is TWo piles of poo! ARRRRGHH!! He is so old he forgets what he is doing. I keep hoping that an owl or a coyote will take him away, but that aint gonna happen...It will have to be MOM that does it.
I Wish I drank! THen I could self-medicate and not worry about it, but I don't. So I guess I better shut up before the few readers I have left leave me too.
On a good note: THe oldest Baby flew today, but came back into the nest when Mom came home with dinner. The others looked at him as if to say..."HEY, You don't live here anymore! Go Away, this is OUR Lunch!"