Thursday, June 11, 2009

Still Here

It is very difficult to write when everything you want to say is negative. Difficult when you find that writing may make you realize a few things you dont like. even more difficult when there is not a freaking thing you can do about them.

I am stressed....
I am in Pain.....
I am hurt........
I am in pain.....
I am pushed......
I am in pain.....
I am lonely......
I am in Pain.....

I so want a good night's sleep without having to get up and peee 50 times a night, I want a good night's sleep without drugs that may or may not cause me to sleepwalk, sleep eat, or sleep compute. (How would I know? I live alone!)

I went to the Neurological Surgeon and he said that there is nothing he can do to fix me. THat anything he does would only be temporary and could hurt me worse than the fix. That was not what i wanted to hear. I have been through therapy, did not help. I Have had the shots in my spine...did not help. I am on Drugs, but they dont work anymore, and only will lead to more and more drugs at a higher and higher dose. I dont want that. The Pain is causing stress because I can not do what I need to do in my everyday life. I can't paint sets, I can't mow the yard, I cant walk through the grocery store, I cant vaccuum, I cant walk on the beach that I love so much. I have to go up the stairs one step at a time and I hurt. People are pulling away from me because I am no fun to be around. That is just an impression, not a known fact.

Being in pain causes me to be less tolerant than I used to be. My daughter told me I was acting like Ouiser in STEEL MAGNOLIAS. Thank you SO much OBE! Appreciate the support! :(

The only time I am not hurting is when I am sitting, for a short time, or swimming. Now swimming is a blessing...but not the one I was looking for. I was hoping it would strengthen my back so I could walk. Instead it has built up muscles in my gluts and my legs, so that I can swim Longer. Unfortunately my back will never improve from swimming. It feels good in the water though. No gravity, and no pain...however the pain upon exiting the pool is horrendous! Even little kids look at my face and run!

I have a new play starting this next week, and I am stressed about that. Stressed because I have repeatedly asked for help in finding a musical director, and I am getting nowhere! I know I can pull this off and it will be funny, but I cant play music, and so need help.. The Board is not helping one iota in that regard.

I have a cat that is going to have to be put to sleep if he doesnt quit shitting in the garage! He is UBER old, and used to belong to Tim, and he is an independent cuss, but he refuses to use the cat boxes! If I put him out at night, he stands under the window and SCREAMS until I let him in. I spent last weekend cleaning the garage, and I am paying for it this week. And yesterday I went in to scoop, and there right against the garage door is TWo piles of poo! ARRRRGHH!! He is so old he forgets what he is doing. I keep hoping that an owl or a coyote will take him away, but that aint gonna happen...It will have to be MOM that does it.

I Wish I drank! THen I could self-medicate and not worry about it, but I don't. So I guess I better shut up before the few readers I have left leave me too.

On a good note: THe oldest Baby flew today, but came back into the nest when Mom came home with dinner. The others looked at him as if to say..."HEY, You don't live here anymore! Go Away, this is OUR Lunch!"

13 comments:

Dick said...

I can remember times when Annie felt so bad that she didn't know if she wanted to get out of bed. Except that staying in bed didn't feel very good either. But, she never gave up and so was able to have a pretty good quality of life right up to the end. So, don't give up.

I wonder if you might get help from a physical therapist? Maybe that and/or a personal trainer at a gym, one who has experience working with people who are experiencing pain? The swimming is good but it doesn't sound like it is strengthening the muscles that you need to work on. At least some of this should be covered by medical insurance. Go check on it. Don't give up.

Sally said...

I'm sorry, Mary Lou. I know about pain these days also, but it's not physical and nothing I can do about it except pray.

Hang in there.

Brenda said...

I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away all the pain my buds are going through. It sucks to hurt, sucks big time!

jazzi said...

I've heard of pain management places, have you already done that? I don't really know for sure what they do, except helping people manage chronic pain. I guess what I mean to say is I don't know how they do things.
It's very discouraging to be in this place right now, Mary Lou, I'm sure. I'll keep thinking of you.

Joan said...

There has to be a better way to manage the pain.

You might just have to kick some ass to get the help you need.

It seems everyone is sick these days with something or other. I talked to Kat yesterday and she's in a lot of pain too.

Hopefully you will get this resolved.

Take care.

Anji said...

Me too, I hope you get something sorted soon. I've heard of pain management and like Jazzei, I don't really know much about it. It all depends too on what is making your back hurt. i'm thinking of you and I won't go away no matter how much you moan and groan.

MaryLou/TX said...

I am so sorry you are having to endure this. Can you get a second and third opionion? Not being able to sleep causes enough stress. Being in pain 24/7 is just that much worse. Surely there is someone somewhere who can help.

cassie-b said...

I wish I could help. I think we all do.

Cas
Pleasant thoughts being sent your way.

Rain said...

Have you tried acupuncture? It's not a miracle cure-all but it does help sometimes when nothing else can. I wish I had some words to help but it seems you have been doing all the things I can think of. That level of pain has to be very hard. Writing a blog though is not just about the good things but about life and pain is sometimes part of it :(

judemiller1 said...

I am so right there with you, in the pain department and the spots on the body where there is pain. I wouldn't say it has ruined my life these last two years, but I did so enjoy mowing my lawn and working in my gardens and now I can do neither!! "They" can't do anything for my back either. So.,..here we are, getting old and it really pisses me off!!

Carla said...

Oh Mary Lou, your post just breaks my heart! You are such a nice lady and I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm very depressed about my situation also, but obviously my back problems aren't as painful as yours. And physical therapy saved my life...but it sounds like that hasn't worked for you. There has got to be something for you! Don't give up hope.

Donna said...

Well, nobody listens to me but I'm 'gonna say it anyway...If you've not had major surgery on your back, please go see a Chiropractor...find out from others who They use and if they like him or her, Go!!
I had Major back pain and NOTHING helped...Sick of medication that only treated the symptoms...you've got to fix the "underlying" problem or you can Forget about getting better. Medical drs HATE Chiropractors and have Nothing good to say about them...that's because they can't push drugs if you get the Real problem fixed...
NOW, you can tell me to go get .......!lolol
Feel better sweetie!hughugs

NJ said...

I'm really sorry to read of your pain and stress. It does sort of help to talk about it a little, but how many ways can you say, I hurt? But you do keep on going. I hope there will be a breakthrough for you soon.
NJ